#1. Guilt

Guilt sneaks up on us. It is insidious. You may experience guilt that ….

– you are not doing enough

– you are neglecting your work

– you are neglecting your loved ones

– you are neglecting yourself

Guilt arrives when you are caring for a loved one even though you are doing the best you can, and all caregivers will feel some bit of grief at some point in their caregiving journey.

What to do? 

First, B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

Then, reflect on the underlying reason for your guilt. Consider if there is a valid justification for this feeling, one that even a very close friend would agree with, saying, “In that case, it’s understandable to feel guilty.” Often, we become accustomed to certain emotions without scrutinizing their validity.

Assess whether your guilt is constructive or merely draining your energy. Whenever guilt arises, envision taking the word “GUILT,” scrunching it into a ball, and propelling it far into the stratosphere with a snap of your fingers. (Or do it. Write it on a scrap piece of paper and throw it away!) With repeated practice, you’ll notice the sensation begins to fade as you acknowledge that it doesn’t benefit you.

#2.  Overwhelm

Too much to do, and there’s no way you can get it all done.

What to do?

First, B-R-E-A-T-H-E. (Again. Seriously, paying attention to your breath is important. And water. Drink some water.)

Then do what brings the most physical ease to both you and your loved one. It might sound straightforward, but we often neglect to heed the needs of our bodies. Achieving physical comfort should be your first step; from there, you can determine the subsequent action to take.

Next, focus on the immediate next step that feels right. If that involves adjusting your loved one’s pillow for their comfort and then preparing a cup of tea for yourself, go ahead and do just that. Decisions become simpler when we are in a state of physical contentment.

Lastly, remember to treat yourself with more kindness and gentleness ALWAYS.

#3. Fear of making a mistake

You. Cannot. Know. Everything.

You. Cannot. Do. Everything.

None of us is expected to do any of this alone.

What to do?

First, you guessed it. B-R-E-A-T-H-E.

Then, try to relax in the knowledge that you are doing the best you can with what you know right now. (And if you need help, there are resources to help.) If you are showing up with love, compassion, interest and willingness to support and care, you’re doing the right thing. You cannot do it wrong.

You. Just. Cannot. Do. Wrong.

#4. Burnout

This is a very real and serious issue for caregivers. It can be dangerous and difficult to recover once you have developed caregiver syndrome. (It’s real. Look it up.) You need to catch yourself early and spring into action.

Burnout means you have been neglecting your health and well-being. Often the first symptom is exhaustion. When exhaustion is ignored, it leads to severe and long-lasting fatigue, which will make it difficult to care for your person or yourself.

What to do?

B-R-E-A-T-H-E. Develop a routine that incorporates simple healthy reset and restorative actions that only take a few minutes, like reset breathing. 

Reset breathing takes only a couple of minutes and can happen anywhere or time. When we control our breathing and become aware of it, we lose focus on the stressful thing happening and the stress hormones attached it. Instead, we release calming hormones and more positive sensations will follow from that. 

Try to sit comfortably with your feet on the floor, but if you are unable to sit at that moment, just steady yourself and stand still. 

Breathe in through your nose for a 6-count if you can.

Exhale, through puckered lips for a 6-count or as long as you can without strain.

Repeat at least three times.

Then, repeat the steps above.

But this time, as you breathe in, say in your head, “I am breathing in.”

This time when you exhale, say in your head, “I am breathing out.”

Repeat three or four times. 

Try to do it for two minutes. But, you can do it as long or as short amount of time as you have the time and energy for. You can repeat it multiple times a day. Just do what is comfortable and what feels right and good to you. 

Then, immediately call someone. Reach out to your resources. Get respite care. DO. NOT. WAIT. If you want to collaborate and work with me, I can help give you a break, or track down a list of resources that are a phone call away.

Working yourself to the bone is not helpful to anyone. YOU. ARE. HUMAN. NOT. A. MACHINE. And not a martyr. Ask for help.

#5. Resentment

This is another big feeling. It’s also common and natural and normal. I promise you are not the only one feeling this way, and I promise it doesn’t mean you are a bad caregiver or person. It means you’re human. 

What to do?

You know what I’m going to say. Just B-R-E-A-T-H-E. When you feel it, take a couple of minutes and do your reset breathing.

Then, find some time and explore what you’re feeling. Is it resentment toward a particular person? Is it your sister-in-law who refuses to cook diabetic healthy meals? Is it just generally resentful of everyone else and the world at large? Is it toward the person for whom you are caring?

Next, find some time to have a conversation with yourself like you would with a dear friend. If your bestie was feeling like this, what would you tell her? Listen to your own caring advice. (We’re being kind and gentle to ourselves, remember?)

If it’s toward a particular person that is not the person for whom you are caring, decide if you can or want to talk to that person (for the nth time). Can you have someone else talk to them for you or do you want to just acknowledge the hurt from where the resentment stems, and let it go (for the nth time)?

If the resentment is toward the person for whom you are caring or if you do not think you can ignore or confront another party from whom your resentment stems, find a space away from your loved one(s) and try to exorcise that energy. Yell. Cry. Cuss. Pace. Punch a pillow. Scream your dissatisfaction at and into the abyss. This release is good for you.

In this new energy, try to look deeper again for a few minutes. See if there are underlying issues that are causing your resentment, anger, or sadness. Are there old issues you need to resolve? Is there some sort of business lingering around you that needs to be wrapped up and taken care of? Is it time to have a real, gentle, calm and quiet conversation with your person?

You may not be able to talk to your person, but it is important that you talk to someone. Call up your most trusted confidant. Or talk to a professional. Your Elder Care Companion Doula is an empathetic, nonjudgemental ear, or can help you find other professional resources that are paid to listen and advise. 

I understand how lonely and overwhelming it can be when caring for someone at the end of life or needing assistance with activities of daily living around the clock. Let me reiterate. You. Are. Not. Meant. To. Do. This. Alone.

Whether you feel you need support, assistance, information or advocacy, please contact me. I’m here for you. (This blog is available as a PDF at the free resource tab on the website.)